The words won’t form, the passion won’t emerge; I’m losing myself in this sea of what we think is love. Who am I to be here anymore?

Fuck.

How is it possible that you have this much power over me? Get out of my head already.

8 years of dedication; one day we’ll find the cure. Hoping this tea will calm my nerves a bit. #relayforlife #hope #cancersucks #traatiso

I really wish I could just walk away from this and say that I don’t give two fucks anymore; but I’ve tried for so long. I’m sorry that you can’t see how much this hurts me, please don’t tell me that you’re trying hard when you’re hardly trying.

I have been so blessed to live the life that I do, because of you. It’s hard to believe that 8 years have passed without you here. Who knows where we would be if you were still with us, and God knows I’d give anything to have you here; but I can only hope and pray that you’re watching over us with a smile and light heart. For all the holidays and birthdays you weren’t here for, and the graduations; I hope that you’re proud of me and where I’ve come to. The pain has slowly subsided and I know that althought it’s been a while since I’ve seen you, it brings me closer to the next time I will. Even now that you’re gone, your memory serves as our guiding light and inspiration to live another day to the fullest; thank you for making me the person I am today; I won’t let you down. We love you and miss you tons. Hope it’s great in Heaven, mom. 11/12/60-02/25/05

And that’s the sad thing.

Where did it all go wrong?

Sometimes in life, you’re dealt cards that you have absolutely no control over. Best you can do is figure out the best play and put it all on the line. I guess both things and people come and go; I’m only doing what’s best for you.

I cannot get enough of this.

Words don’t even come close to how I’m feeling; not even 5 years and 4 months since the last time I saw you. Even at that, you weren’t responsive, and we were merely praying that you heard our voices, heard our prayers, heard our good-byes. That morning was hell, waking up every morning after that til today still puts the same knot in my stomach and chokes me up something fierce whenever any memory of you comes up. Time has gone by, and the thing is, I still can’t find the right words to say. 

Time heals everything, heartbreaks, especially; but I don’t think this really applies. These cuts are deeper than it seems, and the pain still seems as unbearable as the moment we received the news. It just seems unfair, I’m living the perfect life at the same age you were diagnosed and lost to cancer. I suppose all I can hope and pray for is that you both are proud of me, of how far that not only myself, but that we’ve all come. God knows that if you were still here today … things would be different. Who knows where we would be, or if something else would have happened. I suppose God has a plan for all of us, and he wanted some of his angels back earlier than we expected. 

I’m surrounded, literally, by at least a hundred people who care about me, deeply. Yet by the end of the night, I feel alone. It seems silly to feel this way still, after all this time has passed by. People have pushed on with their lives, not intentionally, but it’s upsetting to think about. For my graduations, my heartbreaks, my successes and almost failures, for the car breakdowns and chick flicks you loved watching; these are all journeys that cannot be physically shared with you anymore. It’s been like that, I know not to expect anything different. So here’s to another night of feeling like a part of me is missing, but not really. 

I suppose at this point I’ll have to continuously and consciously remind myself that although it’s been another day since we last saw each other, it’s a day closer to uniting once again. Rest in paradise, big brother.